Introduction: Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in our relationships with others. They define what is okay for us and what is not. Healthy boundaries are characterized by having a clear “why,” using “I” statements, being assertive, respectful, and flexible, having clear consequences, and being accountable to yourself and others.
Types of Boundaries
There are several different types of boundaries that we encounter every single day in our relationships with others. These boundaries include:
- Physical Boundaries
These boundaries protect your physical space. Who are you comfortable with being in your personal space? Are you okay with handshakes or hugs from fellow missionaries, members, or others you encounter? In what situations and contexts? - Intellectual Boundaries
These boundaries protect your thoughts and ideas. What topics are you comfortable discussing, and who do you feel safe talking about these things with? Are there certain topics, like personal beliefs or doctrinal concerns, that you prefer not to discuss with some individuals? - Time Boundaries
These boundaries protect your time. How do you want to prioritize your schedule to balance mission work, personal study, and self-care? How can you set limits around social gatherings, service projects, or additional activities? - Emotional Boundaries
These boundaries protect your feelings and emotions. What do you need in order to feel emotionally safe? How do you separate your emotions from the emotions of others, especially if they are going through tough times? Knowing when to seek support and when to step back is a crucial part of maintaining emotional boundaries.
It is important to recognize that boundaries vary from situation to situation and person to person. What you may be comfortable with in one context may not feel right in another (for example, you might be comfortable discussing a personal story with your companion, but not in a larger group). Taking an inventory of specific boundaries in each of these categories can help you identify any that need strengthening. Are there boundaries you have done well in setting? What do these boundaries look like for you?
Boundary Styles
There are also different boundary styles: Rigid, Porous, and Healthy.
- Rigid Boundaries
Someone with rigid boundaries may set strict limits and keep others at a distance, both physically and emotionally, to avoid rejection. These individuals may have difficulty asking for help and may be very protective of their personal information. - Porous Boundaries
These boundaries are loose and poorly defined. Someone with porous boundaries may have difficulty saying “no” and may overshare personal information. They might also be overly invested in others’ issues and rely heavily on others’ opinions. - Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries strike a balance between rigid and porous. Someone with healthy boundaries does not compromise their values, values their own opinion, communicates their wants and needs, and respects others’ right to say “no.”
Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Have a Clear “Why”
Understanding the reason behind your boundaries makes it easier to maintain them and communicate them to others. For example, if a fellow missionary consistently asks for long conversations that impact your study time, you may identify that these talks cause stress because they interfere with your focus. With this understanding, you can explain this respectfully to your companion, setting a boundary to reserve certain times for personal study. - Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements when setting and maintaining boundaries takes ownership of your feelings. For example, if you’re setting an intellectual boundary, you could say, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing certain personal beliefs at this time, but I do enjoy discussing other topics with you…” Avoid statements that may seem accusatory, like “you need to stop bringing up these topics.” Clear, respectful communication helps keep boundaries firm without creating unnecessary conflict. - Be Assertive, Respectful, and Flexible
These qualities can help make boundary-setting conversations productive. Assertiveness involves clear language and potential consequences for crossing boundaries, like saying, “I need some quiet time in the evenings to study, and if it’s interrupted, I may have to find a different study space.” Respectfulness means acknowledging that others may not know they’re crossing a boundary and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Flexibility allows you to adapt boundaries as circumstances change, without compromising your values. - Have Clear Consequences
Consequences may sound harsh, but they’re about having a plan for what will happen if a boundary is crossed. Consequences could include choosing to excuse yourself from a conversation, setting limits around calls or messages, or having a follow-up discussion to clarify your boundaries. Planning consequences makes it easier to act on them if necessary. - Be Accountable to Yourself and Others
Remember that boundaries are there to help you feel safe and authentic. Maintaining boundaries requires you to be accountable, following through on consequences when needed and showing compassion if boundaries need reinforcement. As Brene Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” - Be Prepared
Taking time to prepare for boundary-setting can help reduce stress. Write down your boundaries or talk them over with someone you trust, including how and when to communicate them. Role-playing boundary-setting with someone you trust can provide additional support and practice for real situations.
Conclusion
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially with people who are close or who play a significant role in our lives. As you set boundaries, remember to show yourself grace and recognize the strength it takes to do something difficult. Healthy boundaries allow you to be your most genuine and compassionate self, and they can strengthen your emotional regulation, self-esteem, and relationships with others.
